Piggy Backing on Greatness

I read something today that really stood out. How failure is the mark of true greatness. If you are not failing you are not trying new things. I decided to look deep within myself to view my failures. I came up with a pretty good amount. This really makes me sick to think about it, but it also encourages me in a way. I have failed at many things and yet I keep trying those same things. I am sure one day I will overcome every one of those failed attempt at anything. I'll make a marriage work. I'll write a decent song and eventually an entire album. I'll take a picture that speaks to people. I'll find the perfect job. and on and on. On other shit I am attempting to stop biting my nails. That shit is difficult. Wish me luck!

Dispicable

I got a call this morning. I was on the phone with my Mom. She had drank a little too much wine and was entertaining me fully. She is coming to Japan to visit at the end of this month. So I get told I have a call on the other line and I really should take it. I tell Mama I have to call her back and answer the call. Oh how I wish I didn't answer. This long drawn out conversation consisted of too much crying, anger, The remorse of loss of a feeling, maybe hatred, and soft semi-kind words.(those came from me) I cannot believe someone who decided to quit their job on their own accord decides I should pay for them to live. I flat out refuse to do this. I am tired of this world thinking emotional distress is an excuse for anything. Suck it up and get back to work. I have no problem with people taking a little time to work out things in their head but damn, enough is enough. So anyway on to more important things. I have a huge accessory kit for my camera coming. This is going to boost my capabilities by a whole lot. So if anyone needs any sort of pictures taken, contact me. I will do portaits but I am specialized in doing series of art for peoples homes. I love to get an idea of what people want as far as art in their homes and running with it. This is a little scary because you may get it wrong, but so far I have had a lot of success making people happy. So bring it on. Thanks.

For the birds. and other things

Photography is the most difficult thing I can imagine. In painting you can just do whatever you want. Pick the right colors and you are set to paint whatever is on your mind. In photography you can have a vision but the smallest thing can ruin it. Maybe a cloud comes in and it blocks your sun light. Maybe it is night time. Maybe you don't have the right lens or whatever. That being said, it is also the greatest thing. It calms me in a way that only snowboarding can match. When I am shooting pictures, nothing can bother me. Except of coarse the light but that is to be expected.

Listen, no one thinks things are ok

In the deepest areas of my mind I have thoughts that no one knows. I think everyone has these thoughts. They are about death(of others and myself). They are about life. They are about sex and drugs. I ignore them most of the time, yet sometimes they just sneak right into the forefront. They place a huge burden on my shoulders and weigh me down. When they surface it makes me feel like I am bobbing on the top of the water at best, and sinking down to the deepest depression at the worst. Usually the thoughts only last a few min, but I always know they are there. Lurking to fight their way into my conscious mind. I am not sure what brings them on. I have searched myself for the reason but usually that makes them come more often. I am so confused by them because I am almost always in a good mood except for these times. I mean, hey, I am jaded and caustic a lot of the time but for those who I am close to I am happy. I guess for now I will just live with these thoughts and the neurosis that it brings about in my personality. I received a new camera as a gift about a week ago. This was amazing and showed me something about someone that influences my life in many ways. He is a good person. Smart, stoic, and quiet most of the time. Yet, he always makes an effort to talk to me. It is a greater effort and means more because he does not speak English. Anyway, I have been taking pictures. I have been making art. I am calmer and more happy than I have felt or been in a long time. Life is a mix of everything. Right now AMAZING!! being the most prominent.

The sun is rising in the land of the rising sun

Happy thanksgiving everyone and no one. The sun is rising and I am feeling good. I had watch all night but it was good because I downloaded all the Rosetta Stone Japanese lessons. I am going to study them like no other. I hope my Japanese will get better. What else is going on? Not a whole lot. Going to Gunma this weekend. I am happy to get out of Tokyo for a couple day. Chill with my Japanese family. They are amazing people. Cook me great food to order and everything. So I am out, don't to anything I wouldn't do, whichis almost nothing. Have fun!

Death and zen thinking

So yesterday at 3 pm pacific time my grandmother passed away. This was my step fathers mother. We knew it was coming but I didnt realize this soon. When I found out I told my boss I was leaving work. I could not just sit there and think about it in that office. So I went home and decided to go to the indoor snowboard park that is maybe 45 min from my apartment. I havent been on a board in 2 years and it showed but I could really clear my mind. Everything just melted away. I was truly at peace. I was in a freezing room with a bunch of people I didnt know that could not speak english. It was great! I took the train home and on the way I had a horrible thought. Some day we will all be dead and the world will go on without us. I will be in the ground and be nothing. Just forgotten by everyone except those closest to me. It really scared me. Maybe other people think this way but I dont know. I was close to having a full blown panic attack right there on the train. I put some music on and calmed down but it still lingers with me hours later. I gotta go to the store now and cook some dinner. Hope all is well with everyone. Rap at you later.

Divorce sucks

I think everyone everywhere can agree to the statement in the title. It is horrible to go through. Even though I initiated it I still feel horrible. I just dont understand though how someone who says they love you could not want you to be happy no matter what, and more so wants to go out of their way to make life difficult for you because you dont want to live life unhappy. If she came to me and said that she feels she would be happier with a different life I would be sad but I would want nothing more than for her to persue her happiness with or without me. She doesnt see it that way. She said she will be making my life as difficult as possible. I explained that it has nothing to do with the wife she was or how she is as a person. That is the truth too. As a partner she was great, I have just felt the loss of a connection and I wont be happy if I continue this marriage. It really sucks but it has to be done. I just cant believe now she just wants to hurt me and make things difficult. Its insane it really is. Life will go on and truthfully nothing anyone can do will hurt me too much. I would just like to make this easy and quick which is possible but she is not going to let that happen. No one reads this but if anyone does for some reason, and advice would be great. Thanks