Listen, no one thinks things are ok

In the deepest areas of my mind I have thoughts that no one knows. I think everyone has these thoughts. They are about death(of others and myself). They are about life. They are about sex and drugs. I ignore them most of the time, yet sometimes they just sneak right into the forefront. They place a huge burden on my shoulders and weigh me down. When they surface it makes me feel like I am bobbing on the top of the water at best, and sinking down to the deepest depression at the worst. Usually the thoughts only last a few min, but I always know they are there. Lurking to fight their way into my conscious mind. I am not sure what brings them on. I have searched myself for the reason but usually that makes them come more often. I am so confused by them because I am almost always in a good mood except for these times. I mean, hey, I am jaded and caustic a lot of the time but for those who I am close to I am happy. I guess for now I will just live with these thoughts and the neurosis that it brings about in my personality. I received a new camera as a gift about a week ago. This was amazing and showed me something about someone that influences my life in many ways. He is a good person. Smart, stoic, and quiet most of the time. Yet, he always makes an effort to talk to me. It is a greater effort and means more because he does not speak English. Anyway, I have been taking pictures. I have been making art. I am calmer and more happy than I have felt or been in a long time. Life is a mix of everything. Right now AMAZING!! being the most prominent.