Piggy Backing on Greatness

I read something today that really stood out. How failure is the mark of true greatness. If you are not failing you are not trying new things. I decided to look deep within myself to view my failures. I came up with a pretty good amount. This really makes me sick to think about it, but it also encourages me in a way. I have failed at many things and yet I keep trying those same things. I am sure one day I will overcome every one of those failed attempt at anything. I'll make a marriage work. I'll write a decent song and eventually an entire album. I'll take a picture that speaks to people. I'll find the perfect job. and on and on. On other shit I am attempting to stop biting my nails. That shit is difficult. Wish me luck!

Dispicable

I got a call this morning. I was on the phone with my Mom. She had drank a little too much wine and was entertaining me fully. She is coming to Japan to visit at the end of this month. So I get told I have a call on the other line and I really should take it. I tell Mama I have to call her back and answer the call. Oh how I wish I didn't answer. This long drawn out conversation consisted of too much crying, anger, The remorse of loss of a feeling, maybe hatred, and soft semi-kind words.(those came from me) I cannot believe someone who decided to quit their job on their own accord decides I should pay for them to live. I flat out refuse to do this. I am tired of this world thinking emotional distress is an excuse for anything. Suck it up and get back to work. I have no problem with people taking a little time to work out things in their head but damn, enough is enough. So anyway on to more important things. I have a huge accessory kit for my camera coming. This is going to boost my capabilities by a whole lot. So if anyone needs any sort of pictures taken, contact me. I will do portaits but I am specialized in doing series of art for peoples homes. I love to get an idea of what people want as far as art in their homes and running with it. This is a little scary because you may get it wrong, but so far I have had a lot of success making people happy. So bring it on. Thanks.

For the birds. and other things

Photography is the most difficult thing I can imagine. In painting you can just do whatever you want. Pick the right colors and you are set to paint whatever is on your mind. In photography you can have a vision but the smallest thing can ruin it. Maybe a cloud comes in and it blocks your sun light. Maybe it is night time. Maybe you don't have the right lens or whatever. That being said, it is also the greatest thing. It calms me in a way that only snowboarding can match. When I am shooting pictures, nothing can bother me. Except of coarse the light but that is to be expected.

Listen, no one thinks things are ok

In the deepest areas of my mind I have thoughts that no one knows. I think everyone has these thoughts. They are about death(of others and myself). They are about life. They are about sex and drugs. I ignore them most of the time, yet sometimes they just sneak right into the forefront. They place a huge burden on my shoulders and weigh me down. When they surface it makes me feel like I am bobbing on the top of the water at best, and sinking down to the deepest depression at the worst. Usually the thoughts only last a few min, but I always know they are there. Lurking to fight their way into my conscious mind. I am not sure what brings them on. I have searched myself for the reason but usually that makes them come more often. I am so confused by them because I am almost always in a good mood except for these times. I mean, hey, I am jaded and caustic a lot of the time but for those who I am close to I am happy. I guess for now I will just live with these thoughts and the neurosis that it brings about in my personality. I received a new camera as a gift about a week ago. This was amazing and showed me something about someone that influences my life in many ways. He is a good person. Smart, stoic, and quiet most of the time. Yet, he always makes an effort to talk to me. It is a greater effort and means more because he does not speak English. Anyway, I have been taking pictures. I have been making art. I am calmer and more happy than I have felt or been in a long time. Life is a mix of everything. Right now AMAZING!! being the most prominent.