For the birds. and other things

Photography is the most difficult thing I can imagine. In painting you can just do whatever you want. Pick the right colors and you are set to paint whatever is on your mind. In photography you can have a vision but the smallest thing can ruin it. Maybe a cloud comes in and it blocks your sun light. Maybe it is night time. Maybe you don't have the right lens or whatever. That being said, it is also the greatest thing. It calms me in a way that only snowboarding can match. When I am shooting pictures, nothing can bother me. Except of coarse the light but that is to be expected.

Listen, no one thinks things are ok

In the deepest areas of my mind I have thoughts that no one knows. I think everyone has these thoughts. They are about death(of others and myself). They are about life. They are about sex and drugs. I ignore them most of the time, yet sometimes they just sneak right into the forefront. They place a huge burden on my shoulders and weigh me down. When they surface it makes me feel like I am bobbing on the top of the water at best, and sinking down to the deepest depression at the worst. Usually the thoughts only last a few min, but I always know they are there. Lurking to fight their way into my conscious mind. I am not sure what brings them on. I have searched myself for the reason but usually that makes them come more often. I am so confused by them because I am almost always in a good mood except for these times. I mean, hey, I am jaded and caustic a lot of the time but for those who I am close to I am happy. I guess for now I will just live with these thoughts and the neurosis that it brings about in my personality. I received a new camera as a gift about a week ago. This was amazing and showed me something about someone that influences my life in many ways. He is a good person. Smart, stoic, and quiet most of the time. Yet, he always makes an effort to talk to me. It is a greater effort and means more because he does not speak English. Anyway, I have been taking pictures. I have been making art. I am calmer and more happy than I have felt or been in a long time. Life is a mix of everything. Right now AMAZING!! being the most prominent.